TROMBONISTS: THE SWEET NIGHTMARE OF BRASS BANDS AND ORCHESTRAS

Photo credit: Edward Stuart

Talk of that tenor, either high or low, and you'll know it's the trombone. Believe it or not, they play a part in enriching the beauty of musical pieces. Think of the glory of many pieces which would not be captivating without this instrument. It's not the trombone that is a headache of music directors but it is rather the human controlling it - the Trombonists.

1. They See Piano As Forte

Trombonists will just not play softly and we can't understand why. They have a habit of disobeying a composer's dynamics especially the piano dynamics. As for pianissimo, forget it. To them, it doesn't exist. If you ever develop a hearing problem, it is the fault of a trombonist.

2. They Won't Stop Talking During Rehearsals

If the brass band or orchestra was to be a zoo, the trombonists will be parrots. They never lack breath and so they talk endlessly about anything and they always have something to say. It's amazing. Only a rehab can solve their talkative problem.

3. Paid for Playing Just Three Semi-breves

This is not common in brass bands but in the orchestra, most of their roles are covered by the french horn or euphonium. The trombone only comes in to give out a loud burst of sound for about 5 seconds and they still get paid. I'm not jealous ooo, but it's just so unfair.

4. First Class Womanisers and Flirts

Hide your girlfriends. Like NOW!!!! That's all I have to say. NB: Yet trombonists are the most faithful kind of husbands when they get married to that one lady of their choice.

5. The Slide Is A Weapon To Them

When a trombonist is idle, the devil uses him or her(rarely) to peeve others by knocking them with the slide. To them, the slide is a weapon of mass destruction and until they see you angry, they won't stop hitting you.

DO'S AND DON'TS WHEN LEARNING AN INSTRUMENT

Dear music students, especially those of you learning instruments, we will be looking at some do's and don'ts while learning your instrument. How to be a good student and how to make your instrument teacher love you and be happy being your teacher.

1. Don't Be Late!!!

Your teacher normally anticipates the time within which you might finish a practice session. Don't ever keep him waiting...

2. Revise and Practice Before Your Next Lesson

I for one, I feel sad when my student comes back after a week and has forgotten everything. I just tolerate, smile and guide the student to remember. But, I promise you, there are teachers that will crack your fingers with a wooden ruler. (Students of Mr. Sackey can relate)

3. Don't Be Idle When You Go For Your Lessons

While waiting for your teacher, play over what you were taught the previous lesson. Let your teacher hear the sound of music from a distance. This puts smiles on his or her face and becomes happy for efforts made.

4. Don't Always Wait To Be Spoon-fed

There is no harm in trying to learn ahead and go the extra mile. Teachers are proud of students who take them by surprise by learning to play harder pieces. Imagine your teacher gives your homework to practice Bach's Invention No. 1 and then you kill it, and learn the Hungarian Rhapsody. What more would a teacher want. Imagine the relief.

5. Surprise Your Teacher With A Gift Spontaneously

Occasionally, you should give your teacher a gift. The gift could be in any form. Forget about the money you pay; the knowledge you are receiving from him is priceless.

6. Finish What You Started

When you pick an instrument to learn, stay focused and stay faithful. See the instrument like your lover and don't cheat on it. No instrument is easy to learn. They all have their challenges. So keep going and you'll master.

7. Never Go To A Recital Without Informing Your Teacher

It is very necessary to make your teacher aware before you go for any recital. They will give you some tips to guide you. Also, they will support you better during your recital and their presence alone will give you all the confidence you need.

8. Listen and Do Whatever Your Teacher Tells You To Do

Certain things your teacher will tell you to do may seem awkward. From example, your trumpet teacher could ask you to tear pieces of paper, put them in your mouth one by one and spit them out. Just do it. There is a reason for any activity done prior to your instrument's lessons.

9. Embrace The Art Of Reading Music

All prodigies and Virtuosos are excellent because they accepted and grasped music theory. If you want to be one of the best instrumentalists and not be taken for granted, learn how to read music as well. If you have started already and facing difficulties, just continue. Instrumentalists who read music are hot cakes. Trust me.

10. Do Not Stop Practicing

Practice every day. Just practice. I said practice. Pratice! PRactice !! PRActice!!! PRACtice!!!! PRACTice!!!!! PRACTIce!!!!!! PRACTICe!!!!!!! PRACTICE!!!!!!!!

So, this is it. Don't give up on you instrument and don't forget that teachers are special. They are the only people who don't get jealous of you when you become better than them. Also, remember to teach someone too. It will make you greater.

I'd like everyone who has a teacher to tell them this, "You are awesome and thank you for the priceless lessons".

TYPES OF MUSIC DIRECTORS

Music directing is not an easy task and it takes a lot of commitment especially when you are not paid or in a church where leadership doesn't appreciate your efforts. Your patience is tested most of the time and you keep on wondering whether your life's purpose is to be disturbed and infuriated. We have different kinds of music directors and how each of them respond to choristers' or instrumentalists' behaviour at rehearsal or a performance.

1. The Funny and Jovial One

There is that kind of conductor who will always make you laugh till you lose breathe. In fact, they are the reason why you would always want to be at rehearsal. But don't be mistaken; they are the ones who live the most lonely and depressed lives. At rehearsal, they see the musician as their happiness and always make their musicians laugh.

2. The With a Music Score Database in His Brain

I don't know how they do it, but some music directors can keep a whole symphony in mind with all its dynamics and modulations. It is almost useless to put a score before them. Some music directors can even teach a whole four-part harmony without a score and will teach every accidental correctly. I even find it difficult to keep the tenor part of Hallelujah chorus in mind.

3. The One Who Wants You to Repeat a Phrase a 100 times

Yes. These ones really exist and are sincerely annoying. But it is actually for the best. No music director wants his choristers/orchestra to go and sing/play nonsense on the day of performance. And you should expect more of this if the music director is the composer of the piece. If he added accompaniment, dear pianist, please play exactly as you see.

4. The One Who Gets Angry at every Mistake

Some music directors are just too allergic to the slightest errors. A note sang or played wrong is like a bee stinging them. Know that you are in trouble when you are caught messing the piece.

5. The One who doesn't Know Time

"Who the hell said it's time?" The popular phrase during rehearsals. Don't ever dare stop a music director at rehearsals to tell him or her it's time. There could be serious consequences

6. The Confused One

There is also the music director who gets confused when he or she hears harmony, fugue or a call and response for a reason no one knows except the everlasting King in heaven. During performances, the musicians end up being the conductors of the piece being performed.

7. The Womanizer

Oops! I just stepped on some toes. These ones just lack the discipline to shun the flirting suggestions of some of the choristers (the ladies please). You can't blame them entirely.

8. The Proud-for-Nothing One

There is another group of music directors who think they are omniscient. Normally, we just look at them and allow them to lavish in their folly and ignorance so that they can continue to be laughing stocks. It's better to have loads of knowledge and be proud than to be an empty barrel.

9. The Multi-Talented

There is that music director who can play almost all instruments perfectly, sing all the parts, conduct and play the keyboard simultaneously (like Addaquay, the one man orchestra).

Okay, so these are the prominent ones I can talk of now. You can add yours in the comment section. See ya....

DARE TO BE AN ALTO SINGER?

Today, I'll be taking a look at some of the troubles alto singers go through. Many composers and music directors will agree with me on the important roles that altos play in a piece of music but they are at times considered as talkatives (which is true), trouble makers (also true) and neglected.

1. Singing the same note over and over again

This is one reason why people like to rearrange baptist hymns. Just because of that long chain of "dohs" and "sols" and ending the music with the common and boring 'doh ti sol'

2. You are expected to know how to read notes on the alto clef

Actually, I find this necessary but it shouldn't be a compulsory criteria for being an alto singer. Most composers hardly write music for the alto clef.

3. No matter how loud the scream, the old music director still can't hear you

Nobody knows how that happens, but the choir master suddenly becomes deaf when the altos start to sing and rings out, "Hey, altos, why aren't you singing? Do you want me to take your voice box out of your body?"

4. When alto becomes lower than tenor

I don't know what gets into some composers' minds but this cruelty should end. This kind of barbarism can be seen in the fourth bar of "O Fatal Day" No. 82 from Handel's Saul.

5. The unnecessary stigmatization against male alto singers

Most male alto singers have to live with answering a stupid question such as, "you are an alto singer. Are you gay?". Male altos don't deserve this kind of treatment and stigmatization. They are talented as compared to their female counterparts and trust me, they will win your girl's heart and steal her from you.

6. When a soprano is given the alto solo

Music directors who do this have a special place in hell. I mean - it's clearly written. ALTO ARIA!!!!!!

But aside these issues, Alto singers have the sweetest and most patient characters. Moreover, their part is what makes every piece of music written for voices interesting. Think of "And the Glory of the Lord" from Handel's Messiah or that passing note in the hymn "Hosanna Loud Hossana". And remember that's where the freshest girls are. Trust me! Keep calm and tell any alto singer that you appreciate him or her.

BURDENS OF A PIANIST

You are probably going about looking for someone to teach you how to play the piano. Not bad... Did you ever stop to ask about the pains pianists go through? No! You didn't and so you are surely headed for a hell of a time. Those who are already in the business will surely relate to the following

1. Explain the differences between piano, organ and keyboard

You'll have to spend your entire life explaining the differences between piano, organ and keyboard. Yeah. You'll get tired of it and at times you will feel like crying. When someone asks me, I'll tell the person the purpose for which Google Search was created

2. That page turner who was sent by the devil

Almost every pianist that sight reads has issues with their page turners who just lack concentration for nothing. Wait a minute... I think I did that to Francis Eyeson but he still saved the day tho. There is that feeling to punch your page turner in the face when he fails to turn the page. Remember Yuja Wang and her page turner... Hahahahaha

3. The concert isn't what you expected

As a classical pianist, you may have been invited to play at concert especially church programmes and you honoured the invitation based on the fact that you made it clear to the organizers that you are a classical pianist. Now you take your position and you see two skinny women and one girly man walk up the stage and shout, "Hallelujah eh! Every body, remove your handkerchief!" People seriously need music education.

4. Forgetting a piece you memorized the night before

Only the universe knows the reason why this happens. You probably memorized the Hungarian Rhapsodies and playing it like Lang Lang on crack and you felt so virtuosic. Just wait when the sun rises upon your sorry ass.

5. When your teacher keeps telling people that he is still learning

If your teacher is a learner, then who are you. This is the million cedi question. You know the answer. Go and practice and rub shoulders with your teacher.

6. Sorry for you if this is your exam

A picture is worth a thousand words

7. Messing up the piece as an accompanist

This is the most disgraceful thing that can happen to a pianist during his or her career. In the moment after the bomb is dropped, the pianist begins to doubt that God ever made the earth open up and swallow people.

8. That singer who just can't stay in key

If you are a pianist and you are not good with finding keys in case of a change in key, you will be crushed. There is always that singer who has a nice voice but is a natural modulator.

9. The piano gets out of tune

We've heard of heaven on earth but this is a hell on earth. Acoustic piano owners understand the struggle.

10. You'll never be cool and sexy as Yuja Wang playing piano

I don't have much to say but if you are a female pianist, just live with that fact.

In summary, just be ready to carry this cross if you want to embark on the piano journey. Fellow pianists, continue to practice.

TOP 8 SAD STORIES OF BEING A VIOLINIST

Being a violinist comes with a lot of advantages: Think of the admiration, the fame, and some quite good cash maybe, etc. But it also comes with a lot of downs and fails. Let's cast our mind back to some 10 moments we can relate to!

8. When Harmattan wouldn't let your strings be

Every performing violinist will adhere to the fact that the Dry season is an enemy of the strings. Think of the number of times you would have to tune until finally the strings break. Oh Fatal Day!

7. When the bridge suddenly snaps

During a concert and this happens, it feels like the end of the world. These are times every violinist wishes the earth would open and swallow him or her.

6. When a novice calls your instrument a guitar

Call my instrument a guitar one more time and I'll punch you in the face. It's a violin. I repeat. VIOLIN!!!!

5. Those Who Pronounce It As Vowlene

OH mother of God, This is too depressing. My head aches when someone mispronounces the name of my beloved instrument. Seriously? Vowlene!? The phonetic form is /ˌvaɪəˈlɪn/. Just go to Google if you can't read phonetics. Aaaarrrgghhh!!!!

4. Violin Dracula

If you don't develop a sore neck after a long concert, then you are not holding it right. Every violinist would attest to the fact that the violin gives a vampire bite at the left side of the neck

3. Enemy of artificial nails

Our female counterparts who decide to become violinists should kiss their fanciful nails goodbye. Yes! Good Bye. If you don't know why, try it when you have a concert.

2. Change of fingering on the eve of a concert

At times, getting a comfortable and appropriate fingering for a piece is tiring and herculean. When you finally get it, the annoying so called dexterous concertmaster changes the fingering a day to the concert.

1. When your geeky self is being asked to play a freestyle

Those who are into classical violin understand this pain the more. When you are invited to perform with a band, there are times when each instrumentalist will be required to play a freestyle. The classical violinist happens to be in a fix at that moment. When this happens, just play The exposition of Eine kleine Nachtmusick. At times, geekiness pays off.

So, of all these top 8 burdens, playing the violin is still fun. If you are learning, don't give up. Practice everyday and play at least, a tune a day. Shoutouts to Choral Music Ghana and the CEO, Jesse Jojo Johnson. I'm Out