TYPES OF MUSIC DIRECTORS

Music directing is not an easy task and it takes a lot of commitment especially when you are not paid or in a church where leadership doesn't appreciate your efforts. Your patience is tested most of the time and you keep on wondering whether your life's purpose is to be disturbed and infuriated. We have different kinds of music directors and how each of them respond to choristers' or instrumentalists' behaviour at rehearsal or a performance.

1. The Funny and Jovial One

There is that kind of conductor who will always make you laugh till you lose breathe. In fact, they are the reason why you would always want to be at rehearsal. But don't be mistaken; they are the ones who live the most lonely and depressed lives. At rehearsal, they see the musician as their happiness and always make their musicians laugh.

2. The With a Music Score Database in His Brain

I don't know how they do it, but some music directors can keep a whole symphony in mind with all its dynamics and modulations. It is almost useless to put a score before them. Some music directors can even teach a whole four-part harmony without a score and will teach every accidental correctly. I even find it difficult to keep the tenor part of Hallelujah chorus in mind.

3. The One Who Wants You to Repeat a Phrase a 100 times

Yes. These ones really exist and are sincerely annoying. But it is actually for the best. No music director wants his choristers/orchestra to go and sing/play nonsense on the day of performance. And you should expect more of this if the music director is the composer of the piece. If he added accompaniment, dear pianist, please play exactly as you see.

4. The One Who Gets Angry at every Mistake

Some music directors are just too allergic to the slightest errors. A note sang or played wrong is like a bee stinging them. Know that you are in trouble when you are caught messing the piece.

5. The One who doesn't Know Time

"Who the hell said it's time?" The popular phrase during rehearsals. Don't ever dare stop a music director at rehearsals to tell him or her it's time. There could be serious consequences

6. The Confused One

There is also the music director who gets confused when he or she hears harmony, fugue or a call and response for a reason no one knows except the everlasting King in heaven. During performances, the musicians end up being the conductors of the piece being performed.

7. The Womanizer

Oops! I just stepped on some toes. These ones just lack the discipline to shun the flirting suggestions of some of the choristers (the ladies please). You can't blame them entirely.

8. The Proud-for-Nothing One

There is another group of music directors who think they are omniscient. Normally, we just look at them and allow them to lavish in their folly and ignorance so that they can continue to be laughing stocks. It's better to have loads of knowledge and be proud than to be an empty barrel.

9. The Multi-Talented

There is that music director who can play almost all instruments perfectly, sing all the parts, conduct and play the keyboard simultaneously (like Addaquay, the one man orchestra).

Okay, so these are the prominent ones I can talk of now. You can add yours in the comment section. See ya....

DARE TO BE AN ALTO SINGER?

Today, I'll be taking a look at some of the troubles alto singers go through. Many composers and music directors will agree with me on the important roles that altos play in a piece of music but they are at times considered as talkatives (which is true), trouble makers (also true) and neglected.

1. Singing the same note over and over again

This is one reason why people like to rearrange baptist hymns. Just because of that long chain of "dohs" and "sols" and ending the music with the common and boring 'doh ti sol'

2. You are expected to know how to read notes on the alto clef

Actually, I find this necessary but it shouldn't be a compulsory criteria for being an alto singer. Most composers hardly write music for the alto clef.

3. No matter how loud the scream, the old music director still can't hear you

Nobody knows how that happens, but the choir master suddenly becomes deaf when the altos start to sing and rings out, "Hey, altos, why aren't you singing? Do you want me to take your voice box out of your body?"

4. When alto becomes lower than tenor

I don't know what gets into some composers' minds but this cruelty should end. This kind of barbarism can be seen in the fourth bar of "O Fatal Day" No. 82 from Handel's Saul.

5. The unnecessary stigmatization against male alto singers

Most male alto singers have to live with answering a stupid question such as, "you are an alto singer. Are you gay?". Male altos don't deserve this kind of treatment and stigmatization. They are talented as compared to their female counterparts and trust me, they will win your girl's heart and steal her from you.

6. When a soprano is given the alto solo

Music directors who do this have a special place in hell. I mean - it's clearly written. ALTO ARIA!!!!!!

But aside these issues, Alto singers have the sweetest and most patient characters. Moreover, their part is what makes every piece of music written for voices interesting. Think of "And the Glory of the Lord" from Handel's Messiah or that passing note in the hymn "Hosanna Loud Hossana". And remember that's where the freshest girls are. Trust me! Keep calm and tell any alto singer that you appreciate him or her.

BURDENS OF A PIANIST

You are probably going about looking for someone to teach you how to play the piano. Not bad... Did you ever stop to ask about the pains pianists go through? No! You didn't and so you are surely headed for a hell of a time. Those who are already in the business will surely relate to the following

1. Explain the differences between piano, organ and keyboard

You'll have to spend your entire life explaining the differences between piano, organ and keyboard. Yeah. You'll get tired of it and at times you will feel like crying. When someone asks me, I'll tell the person the purpose for which Google Search was created

2. That page turner who was sent by the devil

Almost every pianist that sight reads has issues with their page turners who just lack concentration for nothing. Wait a minute... I think I did that to Francis Eyeson but he still saved the day tho. There is that feeling to punch your page turner in the face when he fails to turn the page. Remember Yuja Wang and her page turner... Hahahahaha

3. The concert isn't what you expected

As a classical pianist, you may have been invited to play at concert especially church programmes and you honoured the invitation based on the fact that you made it clear to the organizers that you are a classical pianist. Now you take your position and you see two skinny women and one girly man walk up the stage and shout, "Hallelujah eh! Every body, remove your handkerchief!" People seriously need music education.

4. Forgetting a piece you memorized the night before

Only the universe knows the reason why this happens. You probably memorized the Hungarian Rhapsodies and playing it like Lang Lang on crack and you felt so virtuosic. Just wait when the sun rises upon your sorry ass.

5. When your teacher keeps telling people that he is still learning

If your teacher is a learner, then who are you. This is the million cedi question. You know the answer. Go and practice and rub shoulders with your teacher.

6. Sorry for you if this is your exam

A picture is worth a thousand words

7. Messing up the piece as an accompanist

This is the most disgraceful thing that can happen to a pianist during his or her career. In the moment after the bomb is dropped, the pianist begins to doubt that God ever made the earth open up and swallow people.

8. That singer who just can't stay in key

If you are a pianist and you are not good with finding keys in case of a change in key, you will be crushed. There is always that singer who has a nice voice but is a natural modulator.

9. The piano gets out of tune

We've heard of heaven on earth but this is a hell on earth. Acoustic piano owners understand the struggle.

10. You'll never be cool and sexy as Yuja Wang playing piano

I don't have much to say but if you are a female pianist, just live with that fact.

In summary, just be ready to carry this cross if you want to embark on the piano journey. Fellow pianists, continue to practice.